Being Myself

*Anyone who may have suffered from ED or in recovery from bad eating habits may be triggered by this post so read with caution~

Hello everyone! Just got back from an amazing day with my youth group. I'm definitely exhausted and I can feel my eyes drooping ;) But I didn't want to sleep without talking something about that hit me on the way home. 

At church, we learned about pressure and wanting to be part of the crowd. I bet everyone at some point in their lives, wants to be like someone else. It's our nature to feel accepted and loved! It's okay to be inspired by an individual and strive to be like them. But when it gets to the point where we totally forget who we are, then its not worth it at all. My pastor's message really got to me and helped me realize that I used to want to be perfect, all the time. 

When I was in my deepest part of my ED, I always thought I had to control every part of my life. Nobody could tell me what to do, what to eat, when to go out, what to wear. Whenever things didn't go my way, I would get so upset and treat everyone like crap. I still remember the days when I would yell at my parents for no reason. My heart would turn to stone and I sometimes I had no feelings. Just anger and frustration. 

There were days where I just wanted to hide and avoid everyone because I thought no one would understand me.

I can't stray from what I planned to eat or else my whole day would be off balance. Why does everyone want to bother me about that? I wish I could be by myself. 

See what I mean? There was this one day where I ate something that I deemed "bad" for dinner. I ate pasta. Not tomato based but cream based. 

Whoa, no way. I can't eat that! It'll make me feel heavy and fat. Calorie over load! I'll only eat a couple bites and say I'm full. 

This makes me so sad that I thought this was what was best for me. Why did I think this was healthy? I put my body and mind through stress because I always had a set schedule. I had to be perfect in every aspect of my life, whether it be school, health, my faith, and in looks.

You don't need anyone to tell you are pretty or handsome. You don't need anyone to tell you that aren't smart enough, tall enough, skinny enough or fit enough. If you love who you are, you won't care about what people say about you. You are you and no one can change that.

I made the mistake of trying to make myself someone I'm not. It caused me pain when I could've listened to what God was trying to say to me the whole time: Be you. Love yourself like I love you. Stop hurting yourself. I love you more than anything in this world.
It took me too long to see this and I regret ignoring Him. But I know now that if you see that you are enough, you'll believe it with all your heart. Believe me, I'll never have a body like a Victoria Secret model nor will I be as funny as Steve Carell.
Nevertheless, I'm going to keep smiling and do me :) And always, do you! You are beautiful.