Saturday, October 13, 2012

Learning to Trust Myself

Today was pretty hectic because after volunteering at the hospital, I worked 4 more hours at the Columbus Day Parade, a huge gathering to celebrate good ol' Christopher!

The Italian Food Festival was also going on at the same time! The air was filled with so many delicious smells. Oh yum. 

BBQ Sundae. What?!

As Key Club members, we painted kids faces, passed out stuffed animals and sold freshly baked goods to raise money for Kiwanis. There was music, food and friends! What more can you ask for? 

Being out and experiencing local festivities like this made me feel refreshed. I loved seeing the kids faces as I gave them the toys and the way that the community supports us high schoolers. Sometimes it just nice to take a breath and live it up! <3

Dinner was another repeat of homemade California rolls. 

Seriously, give me a tub of avocado. Like a poolful. 


It's no big mystery that I love food. 
I adore learning about nutrition, fitness and how feeding out bodies can help us overall, feel very happy! But lately, I've been in a funk with this little thing called trust. 

Because of my eating disorder, I had to completely lose my health to want it back. It was a struggle everyday to get where I am today but I made it and I'm never going back. Yet, there are still times when I question myself and my eating. Sometimes I wonder if I really should be eating certain things and I contemplate on how much I should eat. I always choose to listen to my body because I know it needs to be fed. I try to not compare my diet with others due to the fact that everyone's different and we have different needs. Being a blogger can definitely hinder your thoughts on the way you look, on whether you should eat less or more. The community constantly talks about going paleo, eating clean, and getting more protein in your body. I can admit that I sometimes fall into that trap of "conforming" to the healthy living community. 

I find myself asking things like "Should I be eating more than this?" or "Is this enough food?". It's frustrating that these things still linger my mind and pop up every once on a blue moon. ED is a powerful thing and it's annoying to worry about these thoughts. This morning, I read Amanda's post on food anxiety and how it affects her. I can relate because even after I eat a meal, I worry if I'm full enough. Doesn't my stomach know that already? Why is it difficult to listen to my body and trust it? 

Everyday, I remind myself to stay strong through struggles like this and to ultimately love my body for what it's experienced, where I am now, and where it's going to take me in the future. I work hard, train even harder and eat food that both make me happy physically and mentally. Trusting my body is going to be a big hill for me to climb in recovery and it will take a lot of time. 
But it doesn't mean that I'm not going to try. Those thoughts are getting quieter as I'm getting louder and one day, I know ED's voice will disappear :) 

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