What I've Been Thinking About Lately

Happy Thursday everyone! You made it through the hump ;) 

This post won't include many photos, just random ramblings of myself. I hope that's okay with you guys! Just stay with me, okay? 

Life has been going by WAY too fast these past few months. It's summertime for me already which means I'm a senior now. Man, I remember I was a little freshman a while ago and practically going to every teacher, asking them for directions to my next class. It's sad to think my high school experience is almost coming to a halt but I'm ecstatic for the future!

I always thought my future was going to be successful, that I was going to be some kind of doctor. Most Asian parents want their kids to be in the medical field (figures!) so I believed that it was my fate. Then the eating disorder took control. 

How I let myself get that far into it, I have no idea. Suddenly, my dreams, my friends and the familiar light that once filled my life were slowly fading away. I isolated myself so that it was only me and my ED. I felt that this was the best choice - all so I could have a flat stomach and the all so popular thigh gap. 

But long behold, I found love. Love from my God, the person who was always there, from the very beginning. The person who I ignored the past 2 years, thinking that there was no hope for me. The pain and anger that I bottled up inside was released from my body and my mind! I was free :) 

Now, all I see is hope and light. The belief that I can do anything! My body is at peace and is where it should be. I'm not perfect by any means and I still have those days where ED comes back to bite my butt. But the most important thing that has changed is my willingness to fight back. 

I learned that I find so much joy in helping people with their health goals and their nutrition. All I hope to do is to change even just one area in their life to better their body and mind. To love themselves for the accomplishes they made and find confidence! 

"I am unique and I am beautiful."

Something that I haven't been able to say for too long. Don't make the same mistake I did and not appreciate everything and everyone around you. Say this to yourself everyday, as soon as you wake up. It'll make waking up much easier! 

Be a vessel of love and spread it. Be the motivator to yourself and your friends to get moving! And most of all, remember that everything happens for a reason. There are better things for you at the end of every road. Just keep trucking, my friends <3 

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I still have much to tell you so stay tuned! ^^

Question time! 

Tell me one thing that you love about yourself! Be bold! 

Days Like This

It's days like this where I realize what I have. For some reason, I have those special days when my blessings really are made evident to me. 

Where I'm with family and friends,

when I have lots of GOOD food,

and my health is where it should be. 

It's days like this when I know that my ED past is a blessing in disguise. Everyone that has been with me these last 17 years have been supporting through the bad times and picked me up when I fell. I struggled with food for such a long time but now? I appreciate every single second that God gives me. 

That smile that I faked before meeting my friends? 

It's real now. 

The anxiety before eating a meal?

Gone. 

The frustration I felt when I didn't exercise everyday for a certain amount of time? 

Who the heck cares? 

There is much more to life than food and exercise! I think many people forget about that when they are trying to live a healthy life. Mental and emotional health is just as important, if not more important, than physical health! Never let anything or anyone hinder you from having fun :) 

Eat out once in a while, have a rest day and spend time with your loved ones. 

Because that my friends, is when you are truly living. 

God bless my loves, and have a great night<3 

I'm Me {Happy Birthday Alina!}

Hello my loves! 

I cannot believe today is the day...

I turn SEVENTEEN! 

My, how time flies.

I cannot even start to explain how happy and blessed I am. 

This morning, I woke up with such a spring in my step, and the first thing I did was pray!

I prayed about my family and how thankful I am to be surrounded by them. 

(Wish you were here, Sister Smile! <3)

Cuzzzo :)

I prayed about my friends and how they always seem to make me laugh on days when I don't feel too great!

But most importantly, I prayed about my new found happiness. 

For so long, I let myself forget about what is means to truly be happy. Going out with friends, making jokes, spending time with my family. To eat, breathe and live life. 

I consumed myself with what brought me to the lowest part of my life and I lost many things because of it. ED is not something that you can just "get over".

Although it was a part of my past, I can't forget that it ever happened or hide that I experienced ED. It's my testimony to share with everyone and say, "I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that." 

Everyday, I'm learning that I am beautiful for who God created me to be. 

It is amazing to realize that it's the first year where I am able to say that ED doesn't have control over me. I am my own voice and since I turned away from ED, I see a new future for me and my health. 

As I am getting older, I'm learning that life is way too short to be unhappy! 

Everyday is a gift and I'm looking forward to living it up and using my past to make a difference.

The girl a year ago wouldn't have enjoyed her birthday cake because she was too worried about what was in it. The girl a year ago wouldn't have wanted to go out because she was scared people would offer her cookies as a present. The girl a year ago would have exhausted herself exercising to burn the "wasteful calories" on the slice of cake. 

I'm over joyed with the fact that I'm not the same girl anymore. 

I'm finally me.

Here's to a healthy and happy 17th year! 

God bless you, my friends<3

Learning to Trust Myself

Today was pretty hectic because after volunteering at the hospital, I worked 4 more hours at the Columbus Day Parade, a huge gathering to celebrate good ol' Christopher!

The Italian Food Festival was also going on at the same time! The air was filled with so many delicious smells. Oh yum. 

BBQ Sundae. What?!

As Key Club members, we painted kids faces, passed out stuffed animals and sold freshly baked goods to raise money for Kiwanis. There was music, food and friends! What more can you ask for? 

Being out and experiencing local festivities like this made me feel refreshed. I loved seeing the kids faces as I gave them the toys and the way that the community supports us high schoolers. Sometimes it just nice to take a breath and live it up! <3

Dinner was another repeat of homemade California rolls. 

Seriously, give me a tub of avocado. Like a poolful. 

;)

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It's no big mystery that I love food. 

I adore learning about nutrition, fitness and how feeding out bodies can help us overall, feel very happy! But lately, I've been in a funk with this little thing called trust. 

Because of my eating disorder, I had to completely lose my health to want it back. It was a struggle everyday to get where I am today but I made it and I'm never going back. Yet, there are still times when I question myself and my eating. Sometimes I wonder if I really should be eating certain things and I contemplate on how much I should eat. I always choose to listen to my body because I know it needs to be fed. I try to not compare my diet with others due to the fact that everyone's different and we have different needs. Being a blogger can definitely hinder your thoughts on the way you look, on whether you should eat less or more. The community constantly talks about going paleo, eating clean, and getting more protein in your body. I can admit that I sometimes fall into that trap of "conforming" to the healthy living community. 

I find myself asking things like "Should I be eating more than this?" or "Is this enough food?". It's frustrating that these things still linger my mind and pop up every once on a blue moon. ED is a powerful thing and it's annoying to worry about these thoughts. This morning, I read Amanda's post on food anxiety and how it affects her. I can relate because even after I eat a meal, I worry if I'm full enough. Doesn't my stomach know that already? Why is it difficult to listen to my body and trust it? 

Everyday, I remind myself to stay strong through struggles like this and to ultimately love my body for what it's experienced, where I am now, and where it's going to take me in the future. I work hard, train even harder and eat food that both make me happy physically and mentally. Trusting my body is going to be a big hill for me to climb in recovery and it will take a lot of time. 

But it doesn't mean that I'm not going to try. Those thoughts are getting quieter as I'm getting louder and one day, I know ED's voice will disappear :)